The holiday season. It's time for cheer, peace, and goodwill toward man.
And for Christmas horror movies!
This list, if you're checking it twice, will be short, which could be naughty or nice (depending on your tolerance for my writing). Sadly, I haven't watched many Yuletide films dealing with the macabre. Hence, unlike my Halloween list, this one will have only five features. So step right up, jingle file, grab some White Claus, and thanks, as always, for your presents. OK, I'll stop. Ready, set, glow! No, really, I'm done.
5. Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
Subtle. Intelligent. Tasteful. These three words will never be uttered when discussing this flick. A 5-year-old boy named Billy (Jonathan Best; Danny Wagner as 8-year-old Billy) witnesses a maniac Santa Claus (Charles Dierkop) kill his mom (Tara Buckman) and dad (Jeff Hansen) on Christmas Eve 1971. Billy and his infant brother Ricky (Melissa Best; Max Broadhead as 4-year-old Ricky; and Alex Burton as 14-year-old Ricky) survive and grow up in an orphanage run by Mother Superior (Judith Roberts), who embodies the phrase "spare the rod, spoil the child." Later, an 18-year-old Billy (Robert Brian Wilson) takes a job at a toy store, where he is eventually asked to play Santa Claus during the holiday season. Unfortunately, donning the red suit triggers memories of his parents' murders, resulting in his killing spree across the town. Resplendent in '80s cheese and unintentional laughs (I think), "Silent Night, Deadly Night" has achieved cult-classic status, which was helped tremendously by a controversial ad campaign that angered parents across the United States. Watch as Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert barely contain their disgust that this film has seen the light of day.
"Can you believe this? It's Christmas Eve, and we got orders to bring in Santa Claus."
4. Gremlins (1984)
Part horror, part comedy, and part cautionary tale, "Gremlins" centers on inventor Rand Peltzer (Hoyt Axton), who's searching for the perfect Christmas present for his son Billy (Zach Galligan). And he finds just the thing: a tiny, adorable, furry critter called a mogwai. But he must follow three essential rules while caring for it: Never expose it to sunlight, never get it wet, and never, ever feed it after midnight. Piece of cake, right? Well, not exactly. Written by Chris Columbus and directed by Joe Dante, "Gremlins" received critical and commercial success upon its release. But due to some of its more violent scenes, it was among a handful of movies that prompted the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) to introduce a new moniker: PG-13. Of course, there's also the scene in which Kate (Phoebe Cates) tells Billy the grim story about when she found out there was no Santa Claus. Let it serve as a harsh lesson for all you wanna-be super dads out there!
"Mom, they hatched. Get out of the house."
3. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
I'm not a musicals guy, and director Tim Burton can be hit or miss with me, but I can't deny (and neither should you) the magic of his stop-motion masterwork. Jack Skellington (voiced by Chris Sarandon, with Danny Elfman providing the singing voice) is the Pumpkin King of Halloween Town, but he's grown weary of the same old thing. While traipsing through the forest, he discovers a doorway that leads to Christmas Town and becomes obsessed with it. Eventually, he decides Christmas Town can be "improved" with some help from Halloween Town. Haunting, enchanting, and whimsical, "The Nightmare Before Christmas" is a visual marvel that will appeal to children and adults. And I can't forget about Catherine O'Hara (Sally), William Hickey (Doctor Finkelstein), Ken Page (Oogie Boogie), and others who provide top-notch performances. The movie and its characters (specifically Jack) have become merchandising cash cows for Disney, but that shouldn't stop you from enjoying this captivating and charming picture.
"Kidnap Mr. Sandy Claws?"
2. Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
Director Stanley Kubrick's final film is about marriage, specifically its limitations and deceptions (scary stuff!). It also touches upon sexual obsession, power, wealth, guilt, and jealousy, among other themes, and does so with style. Dr. Bill Harford (Tom Cruise) and his wife Alice (Nicole Kidman) are affluent and attractive. One night, while smoking joints in their bedroom, Alice tells Bill that she was tempted to leave him (and their daughter) for the chance to spend one night with a naval officer she noticed on one of their vacations. After hearing this unpleasant revelation, a phone call ushers Bill away, unleashing a flood of sexual temptations and strangeness on and off the streets of New York City during the Christmas season. Artsy, dreamy, and disturbing, "Eyes Wide Shut" explores the fantasies married couples keep from each other and possibly themselves. And if you think this movie is too high-brow, don't forget about the masked orgy at the mysterious mansion!
"No dream is ever just a dream."
1. Black Christmas (1974)
A deranged madman stalks and kills the inhabitants of a sorority house during Christmas time. Simple, atmospheric, and effective. The killer also uses obscene phone calls to taunt the women, oscillating between filthy sexual demands, bizarre ramblings, and pleas for help. This slow burner is often credited as being the first slasher film and does an excellent job of building suspense and dread. The cast is strong, featuring Margot Kidder (Barb) of "Superman" fame, Keir Dullea (Peter) of "2001: A Space Odyssey," Olivia Hussey (Jess) of 1968's "Romeo and Juliet," and John Saxon (Lieutenant Fuller) of well, too many to name. Director Bob Clark, who would go on to helm the holiday classic "A Christmas Story," possesses a superb eye, building tension through minimalism instead of gore. But if you think that means this movie lacks style, Barb's death scene while the carolers are at the front door is a masterclass in juxtaposition. A holiday classic that shouldn't be missed!
"The caller is in the house!"
What about you? The (snow) ball's in your court, but I'll always have the final sleigh.
I'll show myself out.
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